It’s at this point that I’m supposed to dream up some reason why I’m writing a post about a Youtube channel, when the only qualifications I possess are that I watch the channel and possess a keyboard.
Well, here goes:
Because.
Easter Bunny vs Genghis Khan.
Screw “themed battles.” If Monty Python taught us anything, it’s that random is always funnier. And if Eminem has taught us anything, it’s that rap is better when its funny.
Ipso facto wingardium leviosa: the best rap battles are random and funny.
This is now canon.
Naturally, The Easter Bunny killed it with his smooth flow and clever rhymes. He came out swinging for the fences, and then spent his second verse backing down. Because a real gangsta knows when to live to fight another day.
Genghis, on the other hand, just went on about how strong, virile and violent he was. Clearly compensating for the fact that he doesn’t have a fluffy tail.
Stop (Trying) Making Sense
Some have tried to (needlessly) inject logic into this match-up, saying they were paired up because they were both prolific reproducers. That’s nonsense, and those people need to quit while they’re far, far behind.
Bob Ross vs Pablo Picasso
Sure, Bob’s smooth delivery makes for some easy listening.
And the juxtaposition with Pablo’s angrier, edgier tone is a nice touch.
But really, I shouldn’t need any more reason to justify this entry than the verse where Pablo states his “full name”:
Pablo Diego José Francisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno María de los Remedios Cipriano de la Santísima Trinidad Ruiz y Picasso.
Deadpool vs Boba Fett
Obviously, this was a great match, the dance moves were brilliant, and the comedy was golden. But clearly there’s a matter many people need explained to them:
There are some small-minded, pea-brained, half-witted stupid-heads who might think Boba Fett won this one.
But the many inadequacies of Boba Fett are well-known– that missile backpack is clearly compensating for something– and it was high time he was taken down a notch or two.
And Deadpool did just that. And as evidence for this, consider the following:
- Deadpool was funnier. And as previously established: Funnier = Better. Quod Expelliarmus Demonstrandum: Boba can suck it.
- Boba Fett only had 5 lines in the trilogy and one of them was “AAAH”
- Isn’t it obvious? Wake up, sheeple!
Alexander the Great vs Ivan the Terrible.
Lengthy, fast-paced lyrics and had more murder than any other historical rap-battle. An easy pick, to be sure.
Needless to say, the largely obscure historical figure (apparently) known as “Alexander the Great” will forever be immortalized thanks to the incredible performance of Zach Sherwin.
Pompey the Great, of course, turned in an equally amazing performance the likes of which has only been rivaled by Chris Angel.
Nevertheless, what truly makes this Rap Battle Epic is the use of over-sized Chess pieces. It has awakened a lifelong dream in many: the desire for a Chess set that works out both the body and the mind.
Tony Hawk vs Wayne Gretzky
And last, but not least, this one.
It is one of the least-seen ERBs in existence, with a pitiful 12M views.
And as such, declaring it the best is clearly an act of nonconformity and thus superiority. Don’t worry if you disagree. Most people don’t “get it.” There’s no shame in being average.
Now, bow before me, peasants.
